tanner called me tonight.. first time in forever. i miss him so bad and i keep thinking about how he stole that stupid little princess crown from warrens little sister just for me.. and when me and jon stayed the night at his house and i drew on his bed and his aunt got mad at me.. but he stuck up for me.. and when he brought me booty eaze for my birthday.. and when he was gunna give me all his aunts sex toyss.. and when we egged a whole bunch of cars and houses with luis.. and how he tried to make me feel better when michael was being a jerk.. and when i spit on his forehead.. and when he wrote me that song.. and when he wudnt show it to me.. because he wanted it to be perfect.. and when we made pizzas at 3 in the morning.. and when i was his surprise when he was grounded [[: and when we went to fathom and he humped me all night.. and when we rocked out to some hawthorne heights on the way there.. i pretty much miss tanner a whole whole lot.. and im just now realizing it.. TANNER COME BACK TO ME.

i pretty much love my boyfriend more than anything in this world. hes the only person who could ever come close to making me feel like this. this is the first time in a long while that ive actually been happy.. and i need this. i need him. i dont know what i would do without him.. and i dont want to know. i want to be with him for the rest of my life.. and idc if that sounds stupid or cliche.. its true. this is the first time that i think ive actually experienced 'real love' and i want him to be my only love. no acceptions. i dont ever want this feeling to go away.. and i dont think it will.. because i believe in us.. even though we have our little arguments.. those couldnt do ANYTHING to change the way i feel for him. we've been through so much.. and i only think its challenging us.. to see if we are both 'for real' about this relationship.. and so far we are.. all of this will only make everything better in the end.. or should i say beginning. [[: and everyone else out there can just forget it because you couldnt COMPARE to my incredible boyfriend so stop talking to me pls. i hate all of you and ive given up on trying to be your friendss. fuck your friendship [[: i have the most amazing person ever.. and thats all i need.

im officially out of school thank god; yea but its not like i went any way so who cares. i woke up at 1 and i don't feel good at all.. omg ive thrown up 2 times since this morning.. and i wrote in my journal a little bit. I started reading this book me and mom went and got last week at books a million after i had gotten out of the doctors office. its really good and i think its starting to help me. im pretty sure my moms at the school right now because i dont know where she is.. o well im so hungry but i cant eat because my tummy hurts so bad. ]]: im going to go talk to my nicole now <3.

i dont like comments.

thats why i dont fucking have them.

www.myspace.com/ohxbeffydotss

add me. [[:

today i didnt really talk to anyone at school.. alot of ppl wondered why but w/e.. its not their business right.. i think im just going to keep quiet until i leave.. and im done with all ringgolds shit. everything seems to be looking up for me now.. i went to my new therapist.. shes really nice.. we talked about some things.. and we came to an agreement that i wouldnt hurt myself.. and if i did i would let her know.. and that i would go to school.. since ive been crying every morning and mom has been forcing me to get out of bed. turns out i get what i want.. i will have to be patient tho.. which i am bad at doing.. but this will all turn out for the best i can feel it. incase you are wondering im not going to lakeview im getting homeschooled. [[: mom says i have to start doing more chores.. and get a job.. and work really hard.. but those were my plans all along. the night before last i couldnt sleep.. but when can i ever? so i started writing down alot of stuff that was on my mind.. one of the things i wrote was "my insecurities have gotten the best of me.. its about fucking time" but now im starting to realize that maybe all of this was just a good reality check. im going to try to go to school everyday with a smile on my face.. and stay away from all the drama.. and every time i hear my name im gunna pretend like it never happened. so any of you who are gunna try and ruin this for me can forget it [[: because ive realized that im much stronger than any of your fake twisted rumors. && i have everything i need in life.. and i cant believe it took all of this bullshit for me to realize it. i have the bestest mommy in the world.. even tho she cares for me.. && also ive met the most incredible person who i can honestly say that i love more than anything.. i would die for him.. and he's who i want to spend the rest of my life with. i dont regret anything in my life.. even tho its def. had its ups and downs i think this is only making me stronger... which will make my life much easier later in life.. and it makes me feel sorry for you faggotz who will have to go through what i have down the road.. and your stupid asses will be just like me.. you wont know what to do.. and pretty soon you'll start to feel numb.. like nothing matters anymore.. you'll choose one of 2 choices.. and i just hope that you choose the right one like i have. ive found that cutting isnt going to solve anything.. its a tool i 'used' to use for helping my pain go away for that second.. for that one moment.. it was my way to cope.. but if i were to keep doing the same habits i was doing.. i would be relying on that all of my life.. and i wouldnt know how to deal with anything in the 'real' world. my life hasnt even begun.. and this is my first step to recovery.. to get a break. a break from the world.. and this is it and im ready to take it and take advantage of it. i love all my true friends who have helped me through this.. and all of you who ask me how im doing to start some more drama bull shit can suckiteasy. thnx have a good day.